On the Stairway to Stardom
Adventures in public access TV.
Being friends with me is something like this:
I ask if you like something.
You say yes.
I spend my afternoon finishing a newsletter to share it with you.
It’s no secret* that I love a great variety show or talent show. Whether it’s Bobbie Gentry’s absolutely seductive and captivating performance of Fancy (godDAMN they don’t make jumpsuits like they used to) or my favorite queer icon Lesley Gore belting It’s My Party on the Ed Sullivan Show, I love it all.
*it might be a secret?
One of the purest forms of the American Talent Show is Stairway to Stardom. Stairway to Stardom was a New York City public access show that ran from the late 90s to the early 90s. It is recorded in an amazingly low-budget studio, and the performers are simply sitting in chairs on the perimeter of the room, so you regularly see them in wider shots. It feels like a Tim and Eric bit, but it’s completely real.
I have so much affection for all of these people, and I firmly believe that none of these performances are bad. If there is one good thing America has done, it has been the home of Stairway to Stardom and all of these amazing people. Let’s go, baby.
The Theme Song
I am not going to apologize for the fact this will be stuck in your head for weeks.
Gloria Huddle, “Operator”
Listen, I’m going to start with my favorite first because I am sure y’all are going to get sick of scrolling and tap out at some point. Gloria Huddle is beyond human understanding and meaning. She is on another plane of existence. The strange British (?) accent in the beginning, the ultra-southern accent later, the little eye-rolly-reboot thing she does when the song starts, the way she sings informaSHUN, I can’t pick the best moment. This is like a sacred text in that every time I watch it I discover something new. Gloria is love. Gloria is life. Gloria in excelsis deo.
Lucille Cataldo, “Hairdresser”
This is one of the only original songs you’ll find on Stairway to Stardom, and it is unreal. There is never any type of true chorus so the song just keeps building on itself until it pivots into what sounds like another song entirely, she sings in an amazing Tragic-Kingdom-era Gwen Stefani voice, the trash bag 80s jumpsuit—in spite of all that it will still get stuck in your head.
Reason to Live, “Funky Groove”
Reason to Live is appropriately named. The choreography, which is clearly not too choreographed, the irresistible 70s style in 1983, the lip-syncing, the white shoes, everything!!!
Horowitz & Spector, “Something’s Rotten in Transylvania”
I want to be best friends with both of these women. Irresistibly New York, effortlessly entertaining, this is what public access TV is all about.
Joe Refano, “Lady in Red”
As someone who spent one Sunday a month singing for people in nursing homes growing up, I can confidently state that this kid was a hit with the 65+ crowd. There is something that never gets old about seeing an incredibly young kid singing a song like Lady in Red.
Michael Fobes, “Rock Around the Clock”
He’s dressed like Han Solo and absolutely blasting Rock Around the Clock, 10/10.
Precious Taft, “Dramatic Monologue”
THIS. IS. THEATRE. (also the literal mic drop at the end 🤌)
Precious Taft, “Lovin’ You”
I’m not going to spoil the ending, but you should watch until the end.
Joey Marlowe, “If You Knew Susie”
This carries the most value for anyone who has watched Boardwalk Empire. This dude is the second coming of Eddie Cantor.
Jimmy Schwatzmann, “Cabaret”
Jimmy’s mouth opens so wide and so much volume comes out. He is a sight to behold.
The Mellowettes, “Why Do Fools Fall In Love?”
Anyone who thinks that a New York accent cannot come through in singing needs to watch this.
All The King’s Men, “America”
This is legitimately a fantastic Neil Diamond cover, the lead singer has some PIPES, and he also has the moves and groves to back it up. Also the brows on the keyboard player, God bless these man.
Anthony Ciulla, “What a Feeling”
Proof that good things do come from Stairway to Stardom, Emmy award-winning and Tony-nominated choreographer AC Ciulla danced on the show.
If you made it this far, you have my deepest gratitude and I would love to hear you rant and rave about Stairway to Stardom too!
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